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Looper Rifftrax PDF Print E-mail
The Couch Blazers (Ryan, Nick, and Grant) are joined by Future Grant to riff the sweeping sci-fi epic of bungled childhood development and misused time-travel that makes Hot Tub Time Machine look like Primer.

Bruce Willis used to be a disreputable citizen of the future's future until his past self (from the future) blasted Willis with a blunderbuss in order to collect a bunch of gold. Bruce didn't care much for being dead, so he created a tangent universe and set in motion a chain of wacky events culminating in child murder but beginning with a light-hearted lead-up that includes telekinesis, erotic sign language, professional hide-and-seek, jet-bikes, super-duper leprosy, kids with scimitars, back alley staring-contests, picnics, and all sorts of fun that can only be had in future Kansas.

Get it here!

 
Dick and Dora in "The Case That Never Was" PDF Print E-mail
This is the unabridged version of my winning entry for the Bored to Death Worst Opening Paragraph to a Detective Novel Contest!

I knew that this doll was searching for the absent dick the instant she sashayed through the door and found me digging through his desk, but the dumb Dora assumed that I’d bought out her beau’s dickery and dove into a sob story about how her philandering fella must have flown the coup with some bird from the local Canary Club, so I kept mum, at least between yawns, until she realized that I wasn’t one to tolerate the rants of a dish on the rag and flashed her cash with the expectation that I’d dick around until I uncovered the truth, which I wasn’t selling since I’d given her guy a double dose of lead pipe poisoning not more than five minutes prior to her entrance; the broad had a chassis like a Buick, a rack to kill for, and more green than the Amazon, so I decided to take this dame to the bank and on the wildest ride of her life, never letting on about the stiff dick under the desk.

 
Jesus is a Ninja PDF Print E-mail

In order to illustrate why Jesus is a ninja, other than the obvious reason of why wouldn't he be one, it is important to first define what it actually means to be a ninja. Ninja can be defined most simply as a practitioner of ninjutsu. In turn, ninjutsu involves a variety of skills and techniques which I have categorized into the following sets:

Primary skills:

  • gathering information
  • stealth
  • infiltration
  • escape
  • assassination

Secondary skills:

  • disguise
  • combat
  • medicine
  • explosives

Supernatural techniques:

  • duplication
  • water walking
  • replacement
  • healing

It should be noted that this list of ninja abilities is not all-inclusive.


Primary Skills

Gathering Information

There is no record of Jesus gathering information because he already has all the information he needs. It goes without saying that he is the ultimate, ninja master of gathering information since he acquired all the information he desired without anyone knowing how or when.


Stealth

John 8:59
Therefore they picked up stones to throw at Him, but Jesus hid Himself and went out of the temple.

John 12:36
Put your trust in the light while you have it, so that you may become sons of light." When he had finished speaking, Jesus left and hid himself from them.


Infiltration

John 20:19
On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you!"


Escape

Luke 4:28-30
28All the people in the synagogue were furious when they heard this. 29They got up, drove him out of the town, and took him to the brow of the hill on which the town was built, in order to throw him down the cliff. 30But he walked right through the crowd and went on his way.

John:16: 10-15
10Jesus said, "Have the people sit down." There was plenty of grass in that place, and the men sat down, about five thousand of them. 11Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. He did the same with the fish.
12When they had all had enough to eat, he said to his disciples, "Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted." 13So they gathered them and filled twelve baskets with the pieces of the five barley loaves left over by those who had eaten.
14After the people saw the miraculous sign that Jesus did, they began to say, "Surely this is the Prophet who is to come into the world." 15Jesus, knowing that they intended to come and make him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by himself.


Assassination

First of all, Jesus loves everyobody. Secondly, Jesus isn't some jerk who needs to prove anything to anyone. Therefore, Jesus won't assassinate someone just to prove to you he is a ninja -- so don't ask. Although, he did assassinate a fig tree for bogarting its figs.

Matthew 21:19
Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, "May you never bear fruit again!" Immediately the tree withered.


Secondary Skills

Disguise

Luke 24:13-33
13Now that same day two of them were going to a village called Emmaus, about seven miles[a] from Jerusalem. 14They were talking with each other about everything that had happened. 15As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; 16but they were kept from recognizing him.
17He asked them, "What are you discussing together as you walk along?"
They stood still, their faces downcast. 18One of them, named Cleopas, asked him, "Are you only a visitor to Jerusalem and do not know the things that have happened there in these days?"
19"What things?" he asked.
"About Jesus of Nazareth," they replied. "He was a prophet, powerful in word and deed before God and all the people. 20The chief priests and our rulers handed him over to be sentenced to death, and they crucified him; 21but we had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem Israel. And what is more, it is the third day since all this took place. 22In addition, some of our women amazed us. They went to the tomb early this morning 23but didn't find his body. They came and told us that they had seen a vision of angels, who said he was alive. 24Then some of our companions went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said, but him they did not see."
25He said to them, "How foolish you are, and how slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken! 26Did not the Christ[b] have to suffer these things and then enter his glory?" 27And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself.
28As they approached the village to which they were going, Jesus acted as if he were going farther. 29But they urged him strongly, "Stay with us, for it is nearly evening; the day is almost over." So he went in to stay with them.
30When he was at the table with them, he took bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them. 31Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight.

John 20:14
At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.


Combat

John 2:14-16
14In the temple courts he found men selling cattle, sheep and doves, and others sitting at tables exchanging money. 15So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple area, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. 16To those who sold doves he said, "Get these out of here! How dare you turn my Father's house into a market!"


Medicine and Healing

Jesus healed all kinds of people: fever, leprosy, long term bleeding, withered hands, dropsy, deafness, blindness, paralysis, and a variety of other healings. If you want the specifics -- go read a book!


Supernatural skills

Duplication

Usually ninja will duplicate themselves, but Jesus, always thinking outside of the box, used this technique in a different way.

Matthew 14:15-21
15As evening approached, the disciples came to him and said, "This is a remote place, and it's already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food."
16Jesus replied, "They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat."
17"We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish," they answered.
18"Bring them here to me," he said. 19And he directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. 20They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. 21The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, besides women and children.

Mark 6:35-44,
35By this time it was late in the day, so his disciples came to him. "This is a remote place," they said, "and it's already very late. 36Send the people away so they can go to the surrounding countryside and villages and buy themselves something to eat."
37But he answered, "You give them something to eat."
They said to him, "That would take eight months of a man's wages[a]! Are we to go and spend that much on bread and give it to them to eat?"
38"How many loaves do you have?" he asked. "Go and see."
When they found out, they said, "Five and two fish."
39Then Jesus directed them to have all the people sit down in groups on the green grass. 40So they sat down in groups of hundreds and fifties. 41Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to his disciples to set before the people. He also divided the two fish among them all. 42They all ate and were satisfied, 43and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces of bread and fish. 44The number of the men who had eaten was five thousand.

Luke 9:11-17
12Late in the afternoon the Twelve came to him and said, "Send the crowd away so they can go to the surrounding villages and countryside and find food and lodging, because we are in a remote place here."
13He replied, "You give them something to eat."
They answered, "We have only five loaves of bread and two fish unless we go and buy food for all this crowd." 14(About five thousand men were there.)
But he said to his disciples, "Have them sit down in groups of about fifty each." 15The disciples did so, and everybody sat down. 16Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke them. Then he gave them to the disciples to set before the people. 17They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over.

John 6:5-15
5When Jesus looked up and saw a great crowd coming toward him, he said to Philip, "Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?" 6He asked this only to test him, for he already had in mind what he was going to do.
7Philip answered him, "Eight months' wages[a] would not buy enough bread for each one to have a bite!"
8Another of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter's brother, spoke up, 9"Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?"
10Jesus said, "Have the people sit down." There was plenty of grass in that place, and the men sat down, about five thousand of them. 11Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. He did the same with the fish.
12When they had all had enough to eat, he said to his disciples, "Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted." 13So they gathered them and filled twelve baskets with the pieces of the five barley loaves left over by those who had eaten.
14After the people saw the miraculous sign that Jesus did, they began to say, "Surely this is the Prophet who is to come into the world." 15Jesus, knowing that they intended to come and make him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by himself.


Water Walking


John 6:16-21
16When evening came, his disciples went down to the lake, 17where they got into a boat and set off across the lake for Capernaum. By now it was dark, and Jesus had not yet joined them. 18A strong wind was blowing and the waters grew rough. 19When they had rowed three or three and a half miles,[a] they saw Jesus approaching the boat, walking on the water; and they were terrified. 20But he said to them, "It is I; don't be afraid." 21Then they were willing to take him into the boat, and immediately the boat reached the shore where they were heading.

Matthew 14:25-31
25During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.
27But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."
28"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
29"Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
31Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

Mark 6:47-51
47When evening came, the boat was in the middle of the lake, and he was alone on land. 48He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them. About the fourth watch of the night he went out to them, walking on the lake. He was about to pass by them, 49but when they saw him walking on the lake, they thought he was a ghost. They cried out, 50because they all saw him and were terrified.
Immediately he spoke to them and said, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." 51Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed,


Replacement


Luke 24:3
but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus.

John 20: 5-8
5He bent over and looked in at the strips of linen lying there but did not go in. 6Then Simon Peter, who was behind him, arrived and went into the tomb. He saw the strips of linen lying there, 7as well as the burial cloth that had been around Jesus' head. The cloth was folded up by itself, separate from the linen. 8Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed. 9(They still did not understand from Scripture that Jesus had to rise from the dead.)


Being Ninja

Jesus never referred to himself as a ninja, but this is not as strange as it might seem. One of the leading authorities on ninja, Soke Masaaki Hatsumi, writes, "The people who were later referred to as ninja did not originally use that label for themselves. They considered themselves to be merely practitioners of political, religious, and military strategies that were cultural opposites of the conventional outlooks of the times." Jesus's political and religious strategies were constantly at odds with what both his opponents and followers desired and expected.



Another authority on ninja, Robert Hamburger, lists three facts about ninja.

1. Ninjas are mammals.
Jesus is a mammal. Check.

2. Ninjas fight ALL the time.
Jesus fought all the time, especially with the Pharisees. Check.

3. The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people.
As previously mentioned Jesus is buds with everyone. So, not check. However, Robert Hamburger himself admits, "Ninjas are the ultimate paradox. On the one hand they don't give a crap, but on the other hand, ninjas are very careful and precise." One would think that Jesus, being a ninja, would flip out and kill people, but since ninja are the ultimate paradox, Jesus does just the opposite -- He kills no one, heals countless, and sacrifices himself. How awesome is that!?

 

Very.

 
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